welcome to the azalea garden!

The new year has begun, it’s so cold, and the apartment I live in has gone from a top contender for one of the worst places I’ve ever lived to the worst place. When I was in elementary school, I lived in a really shitty condo; I shared a room with my sister when we were 9-10 and 6-7 respectively, placing us both at ages that are utterly miserable to manage sharing a room with, and that’s not to mention we both had yet to be diagnosed with autism and ADHD and our parents were adamant that our badly clashing symptoms were simply willful misbehavior. Everything creaked as if ready to come apart, and my mother beat me whenever I could be blamed for something breaking despite the fact the doors and walls may well have been the most fragile and breakable doors and walls ever constructed. We had a kitchen with discontinued appliances, a shitty floor plan that made it difficult to navigate, and the condo was so poorly laid out that it felt miserably small despite the fact that its size should have been comfortable enough for a family of four.

But this place is definitely worse than all that. It’s very poorly insulated, with busted seals on some of the windows, and the latch on one is broken. Some windows are really difficult to open, and those that aren’t don’t open at all. The floor is built on uneven foundation, so the vinyl in the bathroom split open over a significant dip because there’s nothing there to hold it up—and for some reason, the landlord thought it was fair to try to charge us, as if it’s not extremely obvious that flooring will inevitably give out if not adequately supported. The bathtub’s side panel was cracked and ready to fall off, but somehow it’s out fault that it finally broke off after we moved in. You know, because the disuse was the only thing keeping it intact? The oven, as it turns out, is the cheapest I’ve ever seen on the market by a wide margin. The washing machine, which functions poorly at the best of times, is a model that’s been discontinued for a while now. There’s a crack up the kitchen wall, precious few electrical sockets, and neighbors who are more disrespectful than any others I’ve had (filling our bins to capacity even 10+ days prior to when they’re scheduled to be emptied, singing loudly for hours, stomping around throughout the day, etc). But we’re renewing for another six months; it’s affordable and we can’t scrape together another deposit at the moment. This place is definitely more expensive than an absolute shithole has any right to be, but it’s cheap for what the renting market is.

Anywhere my husband is can be a home, though. This is such a godawful place to live and I can’t wait to get out of here even if it’s to another place in the same town (which I also look forward to leaving, ideally before the gentrification rapidly taking hold here really starts impacting us), but staying for now is the most financially responsible decision. There are worse things than living in an awful apartment, especially when updating my visa will be expensive. Which, speaking of, seems like kind of a nightmare. There’s really no reason I’d be rejected, since I already got the 6-month marriage visa with the intention of permanently relocating based on the evidence I submitted that my relationship is genuine, and my husband ordinarily meets the income requirements.

The matter of income will probably be annoying to deal with, though. For the multiple years my husband has had its current job, it has met the income threshold for me to be eligible for a family visa and it can get confirmation of how long it has worked there, how much its yearly salary is per its contract, and that it works full-time per its contract—so the current predicament shouldn’t cause any real problems. However, it’s been forced onto indefinite sick leave on the grounds of preexisting disability that does not inhibit its ability to work, which strikes me as clearly discriminatory. The only thing causing out-of-the-ordinary harm and difficulty is its forcible continued leave and the halved pay that comes with it. It was found “unfit” to work over a month ago in a highly inaccurate report. Official confirmation from a doctor wasn’t sufficient for it to return to work, as any statement that it is fit to work is “inconsistent” with an assessment from over a month ago that has been repeatedly stated to be full of falsehoods. As it turns out, things that are true are typically inconsistent with things that are false. And how are they meant to confirm that its disability is the same as it has been for the entire duration of its employment, so as to determine its ability to work? Oh, simple: requiring an appointment that must be held under conditions that have been documented as being notably detrimental due to disability. But they are merely looking out for its safety and wellbeing! This is obviously just reasonable concern and care!

But there should be nothing to worry about in the long run, either with its job or my visa. If it really comes to it and my visa is rejected, I’ll appeal it because we do meet the standards when my husband is working as it should be—and the sole reason it isn’t right now is because its workplace has, again, decided that suddenly the disabilities that do not interfere with its ability to work full-time are, contrary to what is believed and has been officially stated by multiple literal doctors, suddenly a liability. (Again, it’s only concern, only a desire for it to be well, not an act of discrimination!) But if it comes to it, if I need to return to the US for any duration, I have friends who can have me for a couple of weeks while I try to sort out where I would be going from there.

I might finally, finally be added to the lease soon. It turns out they have been breaking the law for the past four months. They insisted UK law requires I have an eVisa share code in order to reside in any rental property at all, despite being informed repeatedly by the UKVI that I do not have an eVisa and can use the visa stamped in my passport. Ideally the problem will be resolved as my husband has sent multiple screenshots from an official government website informing the letting agency that they have been explicitly breaking the law for the entire time I’ve been in the UK. In fact, even if someone has an eVisa, it’s illegal to demand it if the person wants to use their physical visa instead.

Something more fun. By the second half of December, I was certain I’d fall a bit short of my 150k-word writing goal, but I ended up about 3k over. And I think I read around 65 books, exceeding my original reading goal by 15. I’m not fully confident that it was a nice, clean 65, but it’s only one or two off at most. It was mid-60, I know that with complete confidence.

This year, hopefully I’ll get a book written. It’s unclear if I’ll manage it, but it would be nice to! I don’t remember when I conceived of it, but I think it was toward the end of 2024. In 2025, I fleshed out its characters, outlined it, and drafted the first five chapters, so I made decent enough progress. I’m also hoping to get around to fleshing out the characters and creating outlines for two other projects I have in mind, and depending on how long that takes me, maybe I’ll add an extra one or two for good measure—a challenge, yes, but also a great way to get a start on whatever I decide to pick up and write next. It should also help me decide on what I want to work on next, since I’ll have a clearer idea of what resonates most when it’s time to head into my next project. Additionally, I’m doing a January OC challenge, in which I need to create character sheets for 31 characters over the 31 days of the month. This is going well, though I’m a few days behind currently. But I’m confident I’ll be able to catch up and stay on or ahead of schedule.

As for reading, I set my goal for 60 books. This, in retrospect, feels a little low, as I don’t exactly have a job anymore and likely won’t work full time again in the foreseeable future unless I absolutely must. Unless something truly significant and unaccounted for comes up, that’s not going to happen. I have to fill my time some way, and there are only so many chores two people can generate, and it’s not unusual for me to need to spend most or all of a particular day in bed due to how my disabilities impact me. I suspect I’ll be reading more than in previous years. I’ve read four books this year already, and am about to finish two more. But we will see. If I get to 30-40 books and still feel that 60 is a bit low then I’ll change it. Personal goals, as it turns out, are only set in stone if you lack the good sense to recognize that they actually aren’t.

A day or two ago, I received an incredibly cute journal so I can start journaling. I haven’t yet, but I intend to tonight. The store my husband ordered it from is very cute but is unfortunately always painfully white millennial. Stickers for book “spice” rating (just give it a hotness or sexiness rating like an adult, and maybe try reading something other than erotica for once), stickers for people who make reading erotica their entire personality. Run by a white woman named Sydonie of all things—but I suppose it could be worse, like Laklynn or Kaeyleigh. I’m excited to start using it, and hopefully it will be helpful.