welcome to the azalea garden!

Life is, like, really fucking great at the moment. Being engaged is sort of crazy. I didn’t actually think someone could be this happy, but apparently it’s possible, somehow! For six years, we’ve been dismissing this constant, unwavering desire to be something so important to Haven, important enough that he might reciprocate our weird and kind of obsessive love for him — but it wasn’t like it was realistic or anything, just like, some far-fetched fantasy to fixate on. Even before we even talked much, there was this intense infatuation that never showed any sign of lessening. He was everything from the moment we met. I still don’t actually believe in love at first sight, I don’t think I ever will, but also, that’s kind of the only thing I could ever describe it as with him.

But, uh, it was mutual the whole time. I’m still not over that. I think about it every day, how scared we were that it was totally insane and deranged to be so deeply and obsessively in love with someone from minute one, only to find out that it was 100% mutual the entire time. How many other people get to have love like this? How did I get to be lucky enough to get to have this? We’re dating. We’re engaged. I’m going to move overseas, and we’re going to get married, and I’ll get to be his housewife forever. I get to take care of him forever. I get to love him forever. How fucking crazy is that? I’m so lucky. Luckiest guy alive, probably.

Anyway. I like, go off like this at every opportunity. It’s so exciting. I could recount it all over again and again forever until the end of time, I think. It never stops being so exciting to me. I’ve never felt anything more intense before.

He’s here, now. Just for three weeks, since he’s visiting, and he got an airbnb for us to stay in. Everything’s perfect. Picking him up from the airport was a fucking nightmare, but there’s not a lot to be done about it. The Phoenix airport is a nightmare to be inside of at all, and it’s always so busy no matter the time of day, and everything about it is so stressful. And it was like, 7pm, I was starving, my parents (who made the trip; I can’t drive) were starving, and Haven was exhausted from a long as hell flight, so none of that helped. It was stressful all around. But it’s so worth it!! He got here on the 26th, which mercifully gave me an excuse to take the day off from my godawful job, and we settled into the airbnb pretty well right after we got home. (Except the part where my dad broke a water line with his truck. Huge thing, it was the middle of the night, he was trying to turn around so he was looking another direction, it was hard to see over the front of the vehicle anyway. I shouted to be careful a little too late and then he hit it, and dear god, it exploded like a mini geyser and my heart was absolutely pounding until we made it comfortably inside and started winding down more for the night.)

He’s sleeping next to me, now — Kérouac specifically, that’s who’s fronting — and it’s so perfect. It’s night two here and every second has been so absolutely perfect. Even picking him up was really kind of perfect, even though I was irritable and he was sick and exhausted. He was here. We were headed home from the airport to share a living space for three weeks. Honestly, what could be more perfect than that? I love him so much.

It’s kinda funny, though. Yeah, we’re collectively engaged, our system and his, but I’m specifically dating Kérouac, but I’ve never said his name out loud. My system kind of speaks French, and the accent isn’t totally right but there’s a solid effort and it’s good enough that people who don’t speak French at all can probably recognize it as French right away. But I speak it with like, a Canadian accent (we aren’t Canadian, have never been to Canada), and everyone likes to make fun of me for it. Which is fine, but Kérouac is a French name. He doesn’t need to know how I say it. It’ll be embarrassing.

God, I could say anything and everything forever, if it’s about him. I’m really tired. Like, absolutely exhausted, so ready for bed. He’s all I can think about, but it’s like, ton of disjointed thoughts related to him, anything and everything, just whatever. I like him a lot. More to come, maybe, probably. I think I’m more in love than anyone ever has been, basically.